How to NOT Be Conflict Avoidant

Everyone will have triggers, but they do not have to identify who we are or how we will respond to conflict. By suppressing our external conflict and becoming internally conflicted, we are promoting the inevitable dilemma. The dilemma is that our internal conflict, which is now building, may lead us full circle back into unleashing our own need for conflict. The point is you focus on potential solutions and your own personal experience instead of attacking your partner or making assumptions about them before they have been allowed to express their side of the story. Also, the ideal timing and the best language choice for addressing an issue varies from couple to couple and from issue to issue. Nevertheless, there are some best practices to keep in mind when communicating with your partner.

Why Couples Fight, According to Esther Perel – The Cut

Why Couples Fight, According to Esther Perel.

Posted: Tue, 17 Oct 2023 07:00:00 GMT [source]

For instance, if you don’t have the time to devote to the problem, by calming the situation down or by allowing yourself time to properly deal with the matter. Diverting attention away from the conflict is another method of conflict avoidance. It usually happens when one person does not want to face the conflict and chooses to focus on another problem instead. Probably the most common methods of avoiding conflict is to simply ignore the problem. For example, a husband who suspects his wife is cheating on him might choose to ignore it, as if it came to light there’s a danger his wife might leave him.

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Growing up in an emotionally neglectful family not only conveys to you that your feelings are not valid or worthy of expression, but it also has another negative effect on your ability to face and handle conflict. Emotion-avoidant families don’t get to learn or practice healthy conflict management skills, so, as a child, you don’t get to learn them. Decades later, as an adult, you not only don’t value your anger or hurt as much as you should, but you also lack the necessary skills to express it. To hear some tell it, we are experiencing an epidemic of conflict avoidance, finding new ways to walk away from conflict rather than engaging in interpersonal conflict resolution. Ghosting, for example—ending a relationship by disappearing—has become common. Numerous tech companies are being criticized for laying off people via email rather than in person.

Our external conflict has been resolved but, unfortunately, only to be replaced by our own internal conflict. Perhaps you have fears over how your partner will react if you bring up an issue, or maybe you have anxiety over feeling vulnerable in front of someone else. Instead of yelling at your partner that they don’t love you any more or that they are a bad person for not spending more time with you, focus on how you are feeling. Although the adverse impact of conflict how to deal with someone who avoids conflict avoidance can be seen across all genders in relationships, its effects can be particularly upsetting for women. When approaching the person with whom you are in conflict, you might acknowledge the discomfort you feel before explaining why you believe it is important to talk things through. If you believe you have been wronged, rather than lashing out in anger, present your interpretation of the situation, and ask the other person to describe how they see things.

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A partner who routinely crosses these boundaries may not be emotionally safe. Many people rely on avoidance as a coping mechanism, which can seem like the easier path compared to confrontation — but avoidance can be harmful in the long run, leading to more fear, anxiety, and unhealthy habits. Do you like to maintain positive, friendly relations with your teammates?

  • Although I’ve only ever connected with Janina Fisher on a screen, her benevolence is palpable.
  • Regulate your own emotions so that you can speak in a calm tone of voice with non-reactive language.
  • «There is no food, no water. When my son goes to pick up water, he queues for three or four hours in the line.»
  • Remembering all the good times you had with this person helps to defuse the ticking bomb inside you as you saturate your language with reassurance and comfort.
  • Depending on how close you are to this person, you might know your friend’s family dynamics and gain insight into their personality.
  • I’ve always gravitated toward theoretical frameworks that fit my personality.

Conflict resolution is about standing up for yourself and communicating when you feel angry or frustrated. One 2013 study found that bottling up our emotions can increase the risk of premature death, including death from cancer. While getting out of these damaging patterns is tricky, there are ways to move forward in the face of our fears and express our emotions authentically. Strategies can include engaging in deep breathing techniques before the confrontation.

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Fletcher notes that adverse life events, trauma, and chronic stress can all lead to avoidance coping. Learning to fix avoidance coping means you can stop hiding and start living the life you want. Unlike other exposures, those involving conflict with others carries the potential to cause other people to become impatient or irate. Remember to approach each situation using assertive behaviors (rather than an aggressive stance) and choose situations where there is little risk.

Sometimes, a little self-reflection can provide significant insight into the core issues in your relationship and even into some of your most fundamental fears in life. A 2021 study, for instance, analyzed same-sex relationships and how they managed conflict during the COVID-19 pandemic. The study found that people were more conflict avoidant during the pandemic, which led to lower levels of satisfaction in the relationship. Conflict avoidance, also known as complaint avoidance, is when a person avoids discussing issues with their partner to avoid confrontation or an argument. People may do this as a way to preserve harmony in the relationship. If we constantly avoid conflict, then we are essentially suppressing our emotions.